Ask Tom Tuesday : Harry, Harry, Quite Contrary...

There seems to be a burning question out there among women and it has nothing to do with women. I have received several questions pertaining to one subject and all but one of the interested parties has requested to remain anonymous.

I am not sure why women do not want to be identified with their questions on male grooming and can only surmise that their husbands/boyfriends read this blog and the women do not want to start an argument with their significant others. This is in an age when every other television ad is about either E.D. (and if you know what that is, the advertising has been effective) or feminine hygiene (I have even seen these during football games!).

Maybe Tom can help the ladies get the results they want without damaging any egos.

Tom Says:

Gee, thanks Splitter. No pressure AND I get to look like a metro.

I like hummingbirds. They are fascinating little creatures that can hover and even fly backwards. Our cat loves watching them and will sit in the window for hours waiting to “sing” to one when it comes by. Last year, I decided to put up a feeder for the little avian critters and exactly ONE came to visit. It was a gray/green female and thoroughly dull. The cat was very disappointed.

At a neighborhood party, I heard my next door neighbor commenting on the incredible number of hummingbirds she saw each day. I could not believe that a hundred yards would make that much difference so I invited myself over to look at her backyard.

It was a hummingbird paradise. Her little garden had flowers, multicolored feeders, and even little paths to walk along while watching the dozen or so hummingbirds flitting about. Our cat would have gone insane there.

The lesson I took away from my my neighbor's success and my failure was what James Earl Jones had told us many years before: If you build it, they will come. (Stop that! I'll make the jokes here...)

To put it another way, if you want the birds to hang around your place instead of that other guy's place, you have to create a nice atmosphere. I'm not saying that men need to run out and get flower tattoos or carve paths on their bodies, I am just saying that they need to work with what they have.

An almost universal truth is that as men get older, the hair they lose from their head shows up in other places. Splitter has a friend that is referred to as “the human pelt.” I have a friend we call the Hobbit because his feet are covered in fur (most unfortunate). Ever see an old man with ear hair? Sure you have. What about the guy that combs his nose hair into his bushy mustache? Seen it myself.

Some are born with the genetic flaw. Just take a look at Robin Williams. When he wears a short sleeved shirt, it looks like a reverse sweater vest.

The weird thing is that hair is a very masculine trait. Only men can grow beards...except for my aunt Delores. Tom Selleck made millions because of his mustache (anyone else think Magnum P.I. sounds like Latin for “I really need to find a rest room?”). In the seventies, men started unbuttoning their shirts to show off their chest hair. It was there underneath the chains somewhere.

At some point, women rebelled. Maybe it was the Boy Band phenomena. Maybe they just got tired of doing all of the primping and felt the need to balance things a bit. Maybe they finally came to the conclusion that men should look the same age they act. In any event, men started paying attention to more than just the hair on their heads and you KNOW that we would not have done it without being told to by women.

But, as Jenn from Indie Supporter recently pointed out ( Tripping Down Memory Lane ), things have gotten weird. We regularly see football players raise their fists in triumph only to notice that they have shaved their arm pits. Some guys shave the hair off their arms and legs for no other reason than the look. Backs are being waxed. Doodads are getting lasered.

Many men resist the trend. It is understandable because we are hairy, lazy beasts and the extra grooming takes time. Plus, if your buddies found out that you paid to have your nether region de-follicled, there would be no end to the humiliation and abuse.

Fellas, I would just remind you of the hummingbirds. If you won't provide a neatly manicured garden, someone else will. Yes, there has to be a balance somewhere. Few men want to walk around looking like they did when they were ten. Then again, what woman wants to date Sasquatch?

This is yet another reason why it is hard to be a guy these days. We are expected to be tough and sensitive at the same time. Now, they have added “manly” but hairless to the requirements. What is a man to do?

We could complain, but then the women might get upset and go on a grooming strike of their own. None of us want that. I have already been roundly criticized by some women for noticing Lorena's lack of personal grooming at a critical moment in our relationship. It is interesting to note that men completely understand my distraction during such a time of stress. We think much more about women than we do ourselves in that area.

We need to strike a bargain here. Ladies, we will continue (or start in some cases like The Human Pelt) to pay attention to our excess fur as long as you keep things nice and tidy the way we like them. Deal?

A few words of warning:

Women should never date a guy that spends more time on his hair then she does.

Women should never date a guy whose butt is smaller than hers.

Women should never date a guy who spends more on grooming products than she does.

Women should never date a guy who thinks he is prettier than she is.

Men should never date a woman who thinks it's ok to go off of her grooming schedule in the winter because no one will see. WE will see!

Men should never date a woman who complains constantly about her exes because, some day, she will make a comparison and discover that the current man is not all that different.

Some advice for the men:

If you take off your sweater and your woman does not notice, it's time to research Norelco products.

Women like a manly smell. Like Old Spice. What you have is odor and what causes odor? Bacteria. And where does bacteria like to hang out? On hair follicles. Think about the implications.

Wrinkly skin is hard to shave. A warm shower helps.

You think a styptic pencil hurts on your face?

Always, always, always try out any grooming products on a non-sensitive area first. Surprise allergic reactions can be painful and humiliating when you finally see a doctor.

Want her to go the extra mile? Stop making her sneeze.

And finally: Cutting back the bushes makes the trees look bigger. Just sayin'...

Hope that helped,

Tom

(Disclaimer:  We are not saying that Tom is wrong, just that he might have over-shared...)