Tuesday, January 17, 2012

A New Feature: Ask Tom Tuesday (What Would Tom Crayder Do?)

Today, we begin a new feature here on Splitter's World: Ask Tom Tuesday.  Each Tuesday, Tom Crayder will drop by to share his thoughts on questions that readers have sent in.  

Our first question for “Ask Tom Crayder” comes from Cambria Hebert at Cambriahebert.com where today, she is asking: who is your favorite villain?  No contest for me: Khan from Star Trek.  The series or the movie, he is awesome in both. Go give your answer on Cambria's blog now!

Cambria asks: Why don't men like to shop and is it ever okay for a man to wear pink?

Dear Cambria,

Splitter says I have to remind everyone that there is no such thing as a “typical” man or woman and that there are women who don’t like to “shop” and men who do.

Now that I have that out of the way, let me say that I don’t know any guys that like to shop.  I mean, c’mon.  I define “shopping” as going to the mall or store without a clear objective.  Let’s look at two scenarios using Jake (my biker friend), Donna (his old lady), and my wife, Jenny.

Donna calls Jenny.

Donna:  “Hi Jenny, want to go shopping?”
Jenny:  “For what?”
Donna:  “I dunno, I just want to get out of the house for a while.”
Jenny:  “Me too.  Pick me up in fifteen?”
Both together:  “Squeeee!”
Four hours later, they return from their shopping trip with bags of…who knows what since Jenny takes care of the money and I don’t ask questions…and lattes.  They spent the afternoon checking out other women and making disparaging comments on what those other women were wearing.

Now let’s say I call Jake with the same idea.
Me:  “Hi Jake!  Want to go shopping?”
Jake:  “For what?”
Me:  “I dunno, I just want to get out of the house for a while.”
Jake:  “Yeah, umm, I have to shave my skull and back so I can’t go.  You have a good time though.  Freak.”  Click.
Jake spends his afternoon tuning up a friend’s 1968 Pontiac GTO and I spend the next few hours contemplating just how far Jake’s opinion of me has fallen.

Men WILL shop, but there are rules and protocols to follow.  Below is an example of MANLY shopping.

Me:  “Hi Jake.  I have to go to that humongous outdoors store to buy some ammo.  You need anything?”
Jake:  “Yeah, I could use some ammo.  I’ll see you whenever you get there because you drive like my grandma.  We’ll pick up beer on the way home.”
Four hours later, we are drinking beer while messing up the timing on Tiny’s 1968 GTO.  It’ll be funny to watch Tiny puttering down the road trailing a cloud of exhaust.  We both have several hundred rounds of new ammo and hip waders…which is strange since neither of us fish.

From this exchange, we learn a few things:

Men don’t pick up other men to go shopping UNLESS there is a financial reason, like parking fees at the convention center for the car show.  Men need to be able to leave whenever they want.  And while we do not “invite” the other guy on our shopping excursion, we clearly leave the prospect open so as not to pressure him but still let him know that his company would be appreciated.

Beer helps in any situation and insults are men’s way of bonding.  We would also have spent the afternoon checking out women, but we would not have noticed their fashion mishaps.

Men need a clear-cut objective and the proper environment.  In this case, the objective was ammo.  Very manly.  The environment was the very manly outdoors store where there are thousands of potentially deadly items, boats, mounted animal heads, gadgets, and a large aquarium with fish the size of Volkswagens.

When it comes to shopping, the differences between men and women are evolutionary and biological.  Way back, when we were living in caves, the men would go off to hunt and the women would gather resources like vegetables and wood for the fire.

When women “shop” they are gathering information.  Where are the sales?  Who has the best new fashions?  Which latte is better?  Can I eat a three pound cinnamon bun as soon as I get to the mall and then walk off the calories while I shop?

When men “shop” they are hunting…something.  In the above example, it was ammo, but it could be anything.  Send us out to buy a new microwave (not that a woman would let a man make such an important purchase on his own, but suspend disbelief for a minute, please) and we will bring it home, un-box it, and lay it out for you on display like a newly won pelt.  “You need microwave.  Me kill microwave.  Here, take microwave and love me for being good provider.  Arrrr, arrrr, ARRRR!”

Now, before you say, “Tom, that is so sexist.  You are saying that women are frivolous and that men accomplish things,” let me say this:  What is more important these days?  Gathering information or being able to run down a gazelle?  Yeah, men sort of outlived our usefulness a few thousand years ago…except for killing bugs and getting things off the high shelf, of course.

Lorena would even tell you that men are unnecessary for other things too…

Even when we were living in caves, women were smarter because a lot of the men died while they were hunting Saber Toothed Tigers with spears.  It’s hard to get hurt picking wild berries (though I hear Splitter has managed it).  Even then, women were one step ahead of us.

By the way, if you want your man to go shopping with you, promise him some “special attention” when you get back home.  Yes, we will even hold your purse while you try on dresses if there is the prospect of special attention later.  We’re not that complicated.

If you think about it, the reverse might even work too.  Hmmm.  Something to think about.  Would Jenny give me special attention if I promised to go shopping with her later?  Or would she correctly assume I would be more inclined to nap afterward?  I will have to give that a try and report back.  If it works, we could call it a blowshop!

As for men wearing pink, some guys can pull it off.  But you better be able to back up that pink polo shirt because it will draw attention.  You also better know when and where to wear it.  Like, you wouldn’t wear a pink shirt around Jake’s buddies and you could never both shop AND wear a pink shirt.  No one is that badass.

It is also legal in 37 states to walk up and pop any guy in the mouth who is wearing a pink shirt with a popped collar.  He is just asking for it.  Check your local ordinances.

Tom Crayder

Disclaimer:  Opinions stated above do not represent the opinions of the owners of this site and are solely Tom Crayder’s skewed view of the world.


  1. Lmao!!!! Love the disclaimer!!!!!

  2. oh ugh the bug in the ear. Seeing that as a kid was a trip. Still can see Mr. Fantasy Island shoving it in that dude's ear. Bluck!

  3. I am about to embarrass myself - i have not seen the Star Trek movies but obviously i have heard of them!! He would be a fantastic villian! Great answers!!

  4. Blowshop! Awesome! Can't wait to see what's next for Tom.




  6. I will say this for Tom...blowshop probably makes it sound much more appealing.


  7. Dirty, dirty, dirty. Now, both Tom AND Splitter are both invited to soap-wash their mouths. Can't do anything about the dirty thoughts unless brainbleaching is doable...
    I lost my appetite for shopping when I started writing. Pros and cons?
    1. My account never suffers
    2. I don't lose my car in the sea of cars at the mall
    3. I need new undies.
    Do the math :)))

  8. Congratulations! I’ve awarded you the Versatile Blogger Award! You can see the rules on my post: http://cameliamironskiba.wordpress.com/2012/01/18/the-versatile-blogger-award/

  9. Hmmm, after reading this I really wonder if I could pull a blowshop off.

    I mean, I hate shopping but I love .....

    Is the risk worth the reward lol :)

    great social commentary