Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Tom is BACK!

Tom just flew in from Vegas and, boy, are his arms tired.....

Today's topic comes from some Old Man over at Confessions of a Local Fish  (remember to feed the fish at the top of the page, it is somehow mesmerizing)

I am told that the question needs to be read in a thick New York accent to get the right vibe.

Dear Thom,

So's I been reading over your Tuesday blog and it occurs to me that the title is Ask Thom Tuesdays which means you gots to be gettin' you're questions from somewheres right?

Well, that's a big kinky-dink cuz I gots all kind of questions running around in this head of mine.
For instance, the other night I was makin' a pie for the wife and I and I asked her if she wanted just the pepperoni on it of if she wanted me to spice things up and add something else?

See, I'm always trying to do right and think of her when I make big decisions like that - makes her feel important and loved or something. At least that's what the book the marriage shrink told me to read said. What else it said, I have no f'n clue - there were too many words and not 'nuff pictures in that thing if you catch my drift.

Anyways, we were having a talk when an argument began I don't really remember the point she was trying to make because all I could think abouts was the March Madness tourney's going on and how I missed a golden opportunity to become rich and single in one single parlay bet with amazing odds.
She sounded like the Charlie Brown teacher and I'm sure what she said sounded important to her, but it just weren't nuthin compared to the money I missed out on by not putting down a parlay bet on Norfolk an Lehigh which would have paid an amazing 390:1

A simple bet of $500 would have made me almost too hundo grand richer and I wouldn't have to tune out the wife cuz I'd be in Vegas getting a new one who listens to me instead.
Anyways, what was I saying?

Oh yeah, a question.

Why do women get to make most of the rules in a relationship?
For instance, why do I have to put the toilet seat down? Why can she not put it back up after she is done?

This un always gets me in trouble and I need a guy with experience and who's good wit words to explain it to me so that I maybe don't get yelled at so much, ya'know?


Tom Says:

Dear Grrouch...I mean, “Old Man”...

The answer can be found by examining the golden rule. Not that “do unto others” crap, the REAL golden rule. I'll get back to what that real rule is in a second. For now, let me give you a frame of reference.

Gold is running at over $1,650 per ounce (which is not really an ounce, but that does not matter here). Why? Is it because gold is rare? Gold is fairly rare but so are men with three testicles...that does not make them valuable. Funny, but not valuable.

Is it because gold has many uses? Not really. Even though gold conducts electricity very well and has uses in electronics, that does not account for the value of gold. Sure, it looks good as a ring or necklace, but so do other metals.

Gold is only valuable because “we” have given it a certain worth. That worth has little to do with how useful, pretty, or rare the gold really is. It is worth just how much someone is willing to pay for it at any given moment. People assign the value of gold.

And the REAL golden rule is: Them that gots the gold makes the rules. (Yes, I borrowed your accent and vernacular for that.)

From the dawn of time, women have had what men have been seeking...and it ain't companionship. Well, not just companionship. You know what I am saying (bow-chicka-wow-wow).

Think about a man walking into a bar and announcing that he was going to sleep with one of the women there that night. How successful would he be unless he looked like Brad Pitt or had a backseat full of gold in his Porsche? Not very. As a matter of fact, the women in the bar would probably avoid him if he was just an average guy. The nerve of him...

Now imagine an average woman walking into a bar and announcing that she needed to get her a little something that evening. There would be fistfights as men lined up for a chance to grab her attention.

Men value who-whos much more than women value hah-hahs (I hate that Splitter won't let me use proper...or improper...anatomical names, I sound like a three year old here). This, too, is biological in origin. A woman can maybe produce one child per year for a limited number of years. A man could father thousands of children per year until he died--especially if his name was Heffner, Chamberlain, or Sheen.

Women can have access to male anatomy any time they like JUST BY ASKING. Men have to work for it. From a young age, men have been taught that they are expendable and women have been taught that they are special. And it really goes back to biology and the different equipment each gender possesses.

About 52% of the population is female. That means that there are actually more who-whos to go around than there are hah-hahs. If this was strictly about mathematics, the equipment men possess would have the greater value.

However, everyone knows it doesn't work that way. Men and women both buy into the thought that who-whos are more valuable. Women guard them, men seek them. A twenty year old female virgin is a “good girl.” A twenty year old male virgin is defective. See how often this view of value shows up?

So, Old Man, even though there are more than 3.5 billion sets of equipment just like hers, neither of you really believe that. Whatever she has is “golden.” Since she has the gold, she sets thee rules.

“But that's not right!” Maybe, maybe not. But, I would remind you that you can be happy or you can be right. Those two states of being are not always compatible.

It's not a man thing or a woman thing. We have all decided that woman are more valuable and are worth more. Fair to men? Who cares, that's just the way it is. “My who-who, my rules.”

The seat thing goes back to the invention of the toilet. What is the argument we hear? “I don't want to sit down and fall in!” C'mon...if you are too busy to look before you sit, then you don't have time to use the bathroom in the first place. Their argument on this one is silly (sorry, Ladies!). Even if they have the unfortunate experience of falling in once, they WILL NOT do it again. I mean, WE have to sit down sometimes too and not once have any of us men fallen in.

Women know that the toilet seat thing has nothing to do with the seat's position.

This argument is really about respect. Do you respect her enough to remember to put the seat down? It is a simple thing, after all. It's a simple request on her part. They no longer need us to hunt down food or protect them from rogue mammoths (shout out to Sean!). Heck, since the advent of batteries and out-of-balance washing machines, they really don't even need us to have a good time in the bedroom. Just about the only way we have left of showing them how much we value them is taking charge of the toilet seat.

Yep, it's stupid but, really, as long as there are not a thousand other requests like the toilet seat thing, it's no big deal to comply. Remember also that the price of non-compliance can be VERY high especially if you are not really, really flexible.

Lastly remember also that you are an a$$hole that has a bad tendency to be an idiot at times. Hey, me too! And pretty much every other guy out there. She overlooks those things and likes/loves you anyway. Maybe that makes her so valuable?

I dunno. I just know that doing as I am told leads to fewer arguments and more/better sex...and those are all I need to be happy. Not right, but happy. Who cares that other men laugh at me and call me “whipped” behind my back? I have a woman waiting for me at home and she is a total freak. Those guys can laugh with their buddies while they swill beer and go home alone hoping that Cinemax still has the Emmanuel marathon running...

My words of wisdom for you: Stand proud as you knuckle under to her demands.

Hope that helped,


  1. Dear Thom--Tanks for clearing dis up for dat guy--you was right!

    1. Tell me the truth, FD...that "I don't want to fall in!" argument really is made up, right?


  2. Replies
    1. Thanks fishducky,

      they be mighty hungry fish - so I hope everyone who stops by gives them a little love.

    2. My blue one looks white :(

  3. Dear Thom,

    Great job mentioning the classic Emmanuel movies.
    Oh I have fond memories of not having dates on Friday's and Saturday's and....
    Thanks for your reply and picking my letter.
    Big ups to you, the man with lots of words!

    1. Yeah, they got me through the teen years. Is it weird that the scene I remember the most involved a cobra and a mongoose?


  4. It's funny that Tom calls a chicks junk a whoo whoo and a dudes junk hah hah as in it's laughable lol.
    Anyways great post and I so wish you could give seminars to menz!!!

    Great work!

    1. For future reference, pointing and giggling is a very effective form of birth control.

      And I would lecture women but they wouldn't listen to me. You know how that goes.


  5. Great Q&A session! Sad that Splitter doesn't let you use "grown up" words - my 2 year old called it a who-who for a while but now she just abbreviates the actual word.

    1. You don't know the words Tom wanted to use...


  6. Or to quote my father, "Women have the power because they control half the money and all the 'who-whos'!"

  7. See? That's all Tom probably needed to say lol.


  8. Tom, good advice. I wanted to add a little advice of my own. Quoting my husband, "a man will do anything for a few inches of real estate". So just remember she loves you and what's really important...the few inches of real estate.

  9. Eileen, posts like that make my wife start singing "I got the powah!"

    So your hubby is a wise man.


  10. As always a memorable post like the bar analogy. Hey I'll take Brad Pitt anyday! And the whoo whoo and the haa haa line is epic!